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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Bruce Lee Could Have Destroyed Japan


So, I've been thinking about this a while, and I think I've figured out how to geometrically prove that Bruce Lee could destroy the entire nation of Japan in single combat.

I will be using extensive film clips to prove this, courtesy of YouTube.

First, let me say, that three of the great warriors are dead, and it is arguable that the survivor is clearly the one who is the greatest. I suspect the forces of PCNB* are at work, and will explain in a footnote. Though it is true that the transitive property does indicate that this living legend could, in fact, conquer Japan, it must be remembered that the Imperial Throne would crumble as soon as Bruce Lee decided to conquer Japan.

First, let's begin with how Bruce Lee easily defeated the seemingly unstoppable force that is Chuck Norris.



Now, Chuck Norris is no slouch. He handily defeats David Carradine in this evidence also found on YouTube.



(Is it just me, or does it look like David and Chuck are about to make sweet love to each other when Chuck drops his gunbelt? Nevermind...)

Now, David Carradine - though he would be out of his league against Bruce Lee - does manage to use "Shaolin Tricks" to conquer the son of Bruce Lee, Brandon.



(The "Shaolin Tricks" I see? All of them camera tricks. Oh, and sound effects. *WOOSH!*)

(At this point, you are probably thinking to yourself that fight scenes have really diminished in quality over the years. And, you'd be right. What the hell? What happened to our fight scenes since the 1970s!?)

Anyway, we're not quite at Japan, yet. Here's an important moment, where Brandon Lee is destroying the evil gangster, T-Bird.



You may not be aware of this, but the person getting cooked was actually President of the United States of America, as witnessed in the documentary "Flags of Our Fathers" by Clint Eastwood. This president - Truman - has apparently become a devil-worshipping, drug addict, anarchist in retirement. (Ah, so like Detroit and our American steel dream, from the glory of war to the decline of our great industrial cities...) During World War II, T-Bird fucking conquered Japan!

Ergo, by the transitive property of action movies, Bruce Lee could conquer Japan.



*(It must be said that the Bruce Lee battle occurred PCNB, or "Pre-Chuck Norris Beard". Like Samson, Chuck seemed to grow exponentially when he acquired a beard, as evidenced by this video of combat with the living essence of Beard itself, a frikkin' bear:



Further study will be necessary to deduce whether Chuck Norris' beard provides enough power and oomph to conquer our victor of all Japan: BRUCE LEE!)

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