Epic Fail Night, a.k.a. This is all my sister's fault

Whilst driving home from work, my phone rang. It was my sister. She sounded somewhat excited about something, but I told her I was driving and I'd call her back when I got to my apartment. She said she'd call Mom, and call me back. She called me again when I was almost home, and I said, "Hey, almost home, still driving, call you back!"

I'm thinking something, like, serious must be up. I park the car. I turn off the engine. I immediately call my sister back, in the car.

It's not serious. She's just excited about something she's doing at law school.

I'm relieved it's nothing serious. I tell her all about the gay dwarf on elf action that my character in the video game Dragon Age: Origins is doing (Kudos to Bioware for letting players play gay heroes! It's about damn time we've got some gay heroes in mainstream games!)

I step out of the car. I lock the door. I close the door. I look up at my apartment.

My keys are in the car, not in my hand. I am locked out of my car, and my apartment.

I curse. I check to see if my front door is unlocked. I check to see if anyone's in the apartment complex office. Nope.

I have my iPhone. I call a locksmith to open my car door. I call the dispatcher. Fifteen minutes later a locksmith tells me he's twenty minutes away in traffic.

Great. I hang out. I play a game on my phone. I check my e-mail on my phone. Etc. I'm thinking how wonderful it would be to eat dinner right now. Dinner would be delicious. It was about 7:30, byb then, and I hadn't eaten anything since 11:45, when I had just a frozen burrito and a banana for lunch. Waiting... Waiting...

Twenty minutes passes. Nothing. I get another phone call a few minutes later.

The locksmith was in a car accident. No one was hurt, but a new locksmith is on his way. He's going to need 20-25 minutes to get there.

I call my sister to tell her what evil she has wrought, with her distracting phone call that sounded like something serious, initially, that causes me to buy a pizza despite my budget, and a car accident.

Then, I order the pizza. I expect the pizza to arrive before the locksmith. I order one of my favorite pizzas from a local chain, that includes Feta Cheese.

5-10 minutes later, I get a phone call from the pizza place, and they're out of Feta cheese, and they ask me if I want something else, or a different kind of cheese. I tell them "whatever cheese you think is best". I'm so hungry, I doubt I'll bother chewing. I'll swallow pizza slices like a loon eating minnows. I will open my throat and pour pizza down and choke it down whole.

New locksmith calls to tell me he's almost there! 13 miles away.

I wait around. Dum-de-dum... I've been locked out of everything for nearly an hour. the pizza arrives, at last! Hooray!

Locksmith, the new one, calls to tell me he's almost there! 13 miles away. (Ten minutes after he called prior.)

Finally, locksmith arrives. It takes him a good ten minutes to get the car open, where I can get my keys.

I try to pay with my check card, and he calls in and discovers that their credit card machine in the office is busted, and they want me to wait around for forty-five minutes while they get it serviced.

I go inside to my apartment, which I can unlock now, and write a damn check. While writing the check, the pen dies. I have to get a new pen to finish writing the check.

Once inside, I try to read and relax. A lightbulb dies. I change the lightbulb.

I try to play video games next (Halo 3) because at this point I need to shoot someone in the face. The batteries in my controller die. I have to recharge them.

While waiting for the batteries to charge at least enough to let me play Dragon Age: Origins, I check the mail. My next packet has arrived from grad school, and I will have no life until I get through it.

All in all, an exciting evening.

I blame my sister for everything. It's her fault, even, that the lightbulb died, and the pen died, and the batteries died, and the packet arrived at the apex of stress-level orange.

She apologized.

(The pizza was okay, but it really needed Feta Cheese.)