present tense/past tense

i've been catching up on the backlogged typing typing typing that i needed to do after fifteen days of restlessness.

i have a constant tic that speaks volumes of my own mental state. in my writing, i must struggle to keep present tense and past tense separated and in their place.

i live in both. everywhere i look i see things that carry memories and i experience those memories exactly as if they were happening right now. everywhere i walk, i carry all the memories i have collected like a wikipedia wherever i turn my head.

i annoy my friends and close relations with my kneejerk encyclopedic nature - often encyclopedic knowledge is malformed inside of my mixed up head.

when i am writing, the verbal tenses blur from one to the other.

when i am living, the verbal tenses blur from one to the other.

i am where i have always been and where i always will be. home is a denim jacket and a pair of good pants. bed was a warm, dry place. homes blur. i open my eyes and stand up and my feet walked down the old paths of old houses long lost, apartments abandoned and to be abandoned.

each lost friend, lost love, wears the skin of the now and carries the weight of the lost friends and loves of yesterday.

i never know the day. i never know the time. i never know my destination. i know walking. i know arriving. i know departing.

i cannot always separate my dreams from my waking state, and that isn't insanity.

that's normal.